So post stroke overstimulation is just my new normal.  It’s not something that I’ve ever had to deal with before, but it’s now an everyday occurrance, sometimes every hour.  The overstimulation leads to me feeling completely overwhelmed.

I just experienced one of those moments.  I made my way to my room to take a breath.  I

Comedy helps calm me down when I’m feeling overstimulated.

just wanted a sense of normalcy in the face of chaos.  I thought that playing some TV in the background would mellow me out and get me out of my head.  It would be something to focus on without having to fully focus. 30 Rock was going to be the perfect TV show for this purpose.  It’s not on Netflix anymore so immediate panic set in when I couldn’t find it.  After gathering my thoughts and focusing, I checked Hulu and BOOM – there it was. With the show on and the lights dimmed to a blue tint, I immediately felt better and I could finally breathe normally.  

This scenario is, sadly, my new normal.  Discomfort followed by panic. It’s not my favorite thing in the world, but it could be much worse. I complain, yes, but I do feel blessed to still be here to have to deal with these issues.  That in itself is mental growth for me. I could easily get stuck on how unfair it is or think “why me?” but that won’t do anything, but slow down my progress. I choose to focus on the positive. I choose to be better. I don’t always succeed, but I will always continue to try.

I had a certain amount of mental issues before my stroke, like anxiety and some depression, but everything has been significantly enhanced post-stroke.  Noise, especially unexpected noise, now impacts me like a kick to the chest. The chaos of moving through crowds in public places is just as bad as an air horn going off in my ear.  It feels that loud to me even though, most of the time, it’s minimal or not really noisy at all. Lights passing by while riding in a car at night is just as bad. All of these triggers set my emotional state to “freak out.”

When I feel overstimulated, I find peace taking some time alone in my room with my service dog, Stella.

I see a therapist once a week to help me process all of these mental issues and that brings me a sense of routine and normalcy.  It has helped so much, but dealing with these issues is still really intense. It’s so heavy. Somedays are better than others, but even the good days are tough.  My friend and fellow survivor, Thomas, said it best when describing how he feels post brain injury: Picture walking out of the front door every morning and getting hit in the head with three rocks and then one day you open the door and only get hit with one. That describes the difference between good days and the bad.  Better, yes, but you’re still getting hit in the head with a rock.

Now I’m going on 3 years since my stroke and I’m still trying to figure out how to combat the overstimulation and constant feeling of being overwhelmed.  Meditation has helped the most, but that can only help so much. Perspective also helps. Looking at where I am and where I could have been, helps shifts my focus. I look at how some of the friends I’ve made in the stroke and brain injury survivor community have severe deficits, but most of them don’t let that get in their way. They persevere and even thrive despite the deficits. That inspires me to be better, to never let up and to always move forward. This is just what my new normal is. It’s not perfect, but it is so much better than where I began. I am just like the rest of us – a work in progress.