Courtney Gabrus was just getting her first taste of independence as a college student in Tampa when she was hit with an ischemic stroke. She was already an inspiration, having Muscular Dystrophy since birth, but read about how surviving her stroke and facing her resulting depression head on, has turned her into an advocate for herself and other disabled people as well as a champion for survivors from all walks of life.
My Brain Is On Fire: How I Recovered From My Stroke, The Calm Before The Storm |March 16, 2018
I was born with Muscular Dystrophy, which greatly impacted how I navigated my world. Despite the challenges I faced, my disability never stopped me from living my dreams; striving for success and happiness. Transferring to the University of Tampa was a great accomplishment that started a new chapter in my life, and I was ready to thrive. However, I could have not been able to predict or prepare for what transformed the course of my life.
Massive Ischemic Stroke
On December 19th, 2016, I had a massive ischemic stroke that deprived my brain of oxygen due to loss of blood supply. I was immediately taken into surgery where a cerebral angiogram was performed to remove the clot. The procedure was a success, although the damage had already been done. No one knew the extent of my brain damage until I awoke.
As I became conscious it was like my brain was cracked open like an egg and scrambled onto a plate in front of me. I knew what I wanted to say, but the words would not come out. I felt as though I would be locked in my own head forever. For someone who could never stop talking, not being able to express how I was feeling and being trapped inside my scrambled head with my own thoughts tortured me. In a matter of minutes, my once preconceived future was ripped out of my hands. Although it may have felt like the end of the world I once knew, it was really just the beginning.
Not only was I given a new body, but a new attitude and insight into what I believed was my purpose on this earth. I spent Christmas and New Years under the dull yellow lights of a hospital room. I was painfully alert, trapped inside a body that would not work and could not communicate. I formed thoughts and sentences but could do nothing with them. I spent the next month in rehabilitation re-learning how to speak, spell, sit up, and stand. I experienced language and speech aphasia. I was like a child relearning how to formulate sentences and properly pronounce words. This was a long and frustrating learning process. I still find difficulty finding the right words, understanding what others are saying, and struggle with reading and writing.
If you saw me a year ago, no one would be able to predict how well I would be able to speak and articulate my thoughts to others once again. Even though I no longer have control over the right side of my body, as a result of the stroke, I knew that as long as I could recover my brain by finding new ways to think, learn, and make connections; my words would come back and I would survive. But don’t let my optimism fool you, this was not an easy task. I was intensely lonely, trapped in my mind. I felt as if no one could understand what was happening to me.
There Is Life After A Stroke
One of the hardest, long term challenges as a result of my stroke has been the change in my mental health. Depression, anxiety, agitation, and lethargy have entered my life, and continue to impact me every day. It is not uncommon for a stroke victim to become apathetic, depressed, and have frequent mood swings, but this is something I never had to deal with before. I felt like my brain was set on fire and it was my responsibility to put it out and rebuild on the residual damage without any help.
Losing a part of your brain is not like losing your memory. I knew who I was, who I loved, and what was important to me. I believe that this is what truly motivated my recovery. I was able to retain the knowledge and relearn the tedious processes for doing simple tasks that had been wiped clean from my brain. This took time, patience, and the love, kindness, and support of my family and friends. Their encouragement and persistent positivity radiated back into my heart. I was lost. I lost my sense of self. Who was I? This is a question I still ponder, but now I finally feel found. I think back on this time in my life, which felt like a never-ending black hole that I was not able to escape, but the point is, that I did.
What I truly learned from this long process is that focusing on recovery doesn’t mean you have to stop living your life. Many of my old hobbies were no longer an option. This did not discourage me but rather gave me an opportunity to explore new things that have become an integral part of my happiness. If you can make the mental shift and view this stage of your life as an opportunity to grow, you’ll come out stronger for it. You will need to accept the help of your loved ones, but do not ever back down in the face of what looks like defeat.
If you feel like you can’t live a happy life until you’re better, then you’re creating your own unhappiness by not living in the present moment. Living in the present is a choice that you have to make every day, and honestly, some days will be harder than others.
There will be times when you want to cry and shake with anger coursing through your veins, but always remember that there IS life after stroke. We cannot control what life has behind the next door. What if all we truly have control over is our response to what has happened to us?
This Is Temporary: Stroke Survivor | December 19, 2018
December 19th. Each year I feel very weird on this day. This date is important to me, more so than my birthday. Calling today an “anniversary” doesn’t quite seem right: an anniversary should be a happy day, like a celebration. This day, for me, is filled with a lot of conflicting feelings: anxiety, worry, fear, sadness, anger. But December 19th is also a day of rebirth — my second life day!
On December 19th, 2016, I had a stroke that changed the course of my life forever. My stroke affected the left side of my brain, and the right side of my body. Waking up and not talking was a nightmare. Looking back on it now, it felt like a lonely, fearful, awful world that I would never get out of.
In the months after the stroke, my family and friends worked with me as I put myself back together — relearning how to talk again, to gain strength back in the affected areas. If it wasn’t for my friends and family, I would not be in the mindset that I am. I am eternally grateful for that love and support that got me through it.
Thank you, mom, for everything you did for me. Sleeping in a chair for 30 days while working, and providing me with the best care! I’m sorry that I was a bitch for about six months LOL but without you to be my advocate I would not have recovered as amazingly I did.
I was lucky to only be left with right-sided weakness and some heavy damage to my ability to talk. It could have been much worse, but what was worse than the physical injuries was surviving the depression that the stroke left behind. It was like I had to adapt to this whole new world as if I had a choice.
When the stroke happened, I was in my junior year of college, living a whole new chapter of life: I was thriving with new experiences, living my best life, living on my own for the first time. I was going to my dream school and was being exposed to so many new lessons and opportunities. So when the stroke happened, all of this was paused, seemingly forever. In the immediate phase, I couldn’t speak and had weakness on my left side, which was frustrating and, more than the physical challenges, isolating and scary. But no matter what opportunities may have been stunted, including the physical, what scared me most was the thought of losing my language forever. You don’t realize how much we take the ability to speak and communicate for granted until you can’t do it. But I refused to let this fear become reality. I worked tirelessly to gain back my speech. And now, two years later, on this December 21st, my language is 90 percent there! When I meet people that I don’t know very well, they’re shocked to find out I had a stroke two years ago, and that I couldn’t talk for two months. So that’s an improvement!
As I sit here reflecting over the past two years, I realize the big difference between my one year and my second year anniversaries: all the “positive emotions” like gratitude, joy, hope, pride, and love, BY FAR, outweigh the negative emotions. This mindset hasn’t come easy but I learned not only how to move on from my stroke and the surgeries following, but I also learned how to CHOOSE the person I wanted to be after and the life I wanted to live. And I wanted to be the best person I could be and live the best life that I could with the help of my friends and family that help support and coach me when I have those dark days. If I can pull anything positive from my experience, I will. I want people to know there is a life after having a stroke. I’m lucky enough to have come out the other side, and I want to do as much as I can to help others like me.
A stroke can affect anyone, no matter their age, race, health, status, or any other circumstance. A stroke doesn’t consider these things. Seriously, life changes in the blink of an eye so cherish what you have. Tell the people you love that you love them. Realize what is truly important. Treat everyone with kindness because you truly do not know what battles they are fighting. I may have been able to tell death to hit the road two years ago, but who knows what will happen if he knocks on my door later today? So regardless of what comes next, I will continue to live every day as if it were my last, because one day, I will be right. And it’s what we do with the time we have that matters the most.
In the end, your stroke will always be a part of you, but it is your choice to embrace it and be an inspiration to others by kicking ass through the tough times and coming out the other side victorious!
“Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.” – Oprah Winfrey
To continue to follow Brian’s journey follow him at @courtneygabrus on Instagram and watch her journey on YouTube. Also check out her her Motivational Startup – Mindful MEEPS. Connect with more stroke and brain injury survivors on the YouSoRock Facebook Support Group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/yousorock.
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